NEW Blog Address!

We have moved to a new (cyber-)location...


http://www.onourwayhome.typepad.com


Pass this on to anyone you know who may be interested. It's been a while since I've posted consistently here on light your world, but Nicol and I are excited to give this blogging thing a try TOGETHER!

Come check things out. It's a work in progress, which should be interesting and kinda fun, because so are we.

Eugene B. "Brownie" Brown Sr.

(Family and friends, if you email me your special memories of Gramp, I'll post them here, or you can just add a comment.)


Obituary:

As published in the Bangor Daily News, June 9, 2010

WASHBURN - Eugene B. "Brownie" Brown Sr., 86, passed away Monday, June 7, 2010, at a Presque Isle hospital. He was born May 17, 1924, in Patten, the son of Harold and Bessie (Harvey) Brown. Brownie attended local schools in Patten and then joined the U.S. Navy. Upon his honorary medical discharge, he was employed as a station agent at Bangor and Aroostook Railroad for 11 years before joining Aroostook Potato Growers and becoming co-owner of Washburn Potato Co. He was very community minded; serving on the board of directors of Washburn Trust Co., the board of directors for SAD 45, president of Washburn Rotary Club and was named honorary alumnus of Washburn District High School. Brownie's family was very important to him. His family accompanied him for nine summers and enjoyed living on Silver Beach as he worked in Exmore, Va., for M.J. Duer Potato Co. He and his wife, Kay, also spent 35 winters in Daytona Beach Shores, Fla.; freely sharing their home with each of their children and grandchildren. They also traveled to Walt Disney World with 22 family members and made some very special memories. Brownie and Kay spent many happy times with their family at their camp on Portage Lake. Brownie also enjoyed stock car racing at Spud Speedway. He owned and operated a stock car sponsored by Washburn Potato Co. In later years, he was "honorary field boss" for Aaron Turner Farms, and enjoyed picking potatoes and giving them away. He was an avid poker player, enjoyed fly-fishing and hunting, and, in later years, putting puzzles together. Surviving, in addition to his wife of almost 66 years, Kathleen (Willigar) of Washburn; are his five children, Brenda and her husband, Larry Turner, Cheryl and her husband, Winston Shankel, Vicki and her husband, Deryle Sponberg, Joanne and her husband, David Lavway, and Eugene Jr. and his wife, Londa Brown; 12 grandchildren, Wendy and her husband, David Rose, Sheila and her husband, Doug Clark, Aaron and his wife, Laura Turner, Craig Russell, Linda and her husband, Chris MacDonald, Angela and her husband, Scott Wardwell, Gregory and his wife, Nicol Sponberg, Marci and her husband, Stephen Wilcox, Amie Lavway and her fiance, Kris Milo, Laura and her husband, Pete Slay, Eugene B. Brown III, and Eric and his wife, Janet Brown; and 16 great-grandchildren, Alexander Rose, Michael and Brian Clark, Mason and McCall Turner, CJ Russell, Anna and Abigail MacDonald, Annelise and Liliana Wardwell, Summer Sponberg, Christopher, Andrew and Morgan Wilcox, Caleb and BJ Brown. He also leaves behind a sister, Charlotte Michaud of Connecticut; and in-laws, Clarence and his wife, Sandy Willigar, Nora Willigar, Reba Wiggins, Bob and Gloria Willigar, Cora Savage, Jane and Donnie McNally, Judy James, Elsie and Vernon Campbell, Ruth and Chippy Lane, Donis and Wanda Willigar, Gail Campbell, and Elaine Willigar. In addition to his parents, he was predeceased by a brother, Manly Brown; and a great-grandson, Luke Sponberg. Funeral services will be conducted 1 p.m. Thursday, June 10, at Duncan-Graves Funeral Home, 30 Church St., Presque Isle, with the Rev. Clayton Blackstone Jr. officiating. Friends may call noon Thursday until time of service. Interment will take place after the service at Crouseville Cemetery. Those who wish may make donations to Luke Sponberg Foundation online at www.thelukesponbergfoundation.blogspot.com. Condolences may be expressed online at www.duncan-graves.com.

Donations:

Given in memory of Gramp to The Luke Sponberg Foundation

Many thanks to...

-Russell and Marilyn Allen (Presque Isle, ME)
-Dan and Jill Boyd (Presque Isle, ME)

-Howie and Laurie Bishop and Family (Bangor, ME)

-David and Connie Heald (Washburn, ME)

-Thomas and Rinette Hill (Coconut Creek, FL)

-Alan and Ginette Irving (Presque Isle, ME)

-Frank and Darrylin Keenan (Presque Isle, ME)

-Lancaster and Morgan Funeral Home (Caribou, ME)

-Nadine Peary (Bangor, ME)

-Richard and Barbara Porter (Washburn, ME)
-Linda Randolph (Presque Isle, ME)
-Cora Savage (Patten, ME)

-Winston and Cheryl Shankel (Hampden, ME)

-Barry and Mary Lou Thibeau (Fort Fairfiled, ME)
-Thompson-Hamel, LLC (Presque Isle, ME)

Home from Haiti...

What a time it's been since returning from Haiti on Wednesday. The A/C went out that evening, and it was boiling hot in this place. I made a few calls on Thursday morning to have someone come take a look at it, but everyone was booked up and couldn't get to it until Friday. My first response would normally have been to check into a hotel, but having just been in the sweltering heat and humidity of Haiti, I was actually sort of acclimated. So we toughed it out... even though sleeping in a room that is 86 degrees is miserable no matter where you are. Then, at about midnight on Thursday/Friday, Summer woke up crying and said that her ear hurt. After 30 minutes or so, Nicol suggested that we go to a hotel, so we got ready real quick and headed out the door. Summer was getting more and more uncomfortable, so we drove to the ER to have her ear looked at. Sure enough, she had the beginnings of an ear infection and the doc gave us some drops and and prescription for amoxicillin. Next stop: hotel. Nicol called a few places and they were either booked or more $$ than any dive should ask for at 2:30am. I pulled into a Hilton Garden Inn and Nicol when in to see if they had vacancy and how much they get for a room. Yes, they had vacancy and frighteningly, the woman said it would $199. Nicol is very skilled in those types of situations and she began to work her magic, asking if they could match the price ($89) at a nearby hotel. She did match that price (unbelievable) and she checked us in so that we wouldn't have to check out until Saturday morning. That was a total blessing. We vegged all day Friday. Felt great. And Summer's ear is feeling much better.

But all that is quite insignificant in comparison to yesterday's events. I got a call from my Dad at about 7:30am, and he told me that my Grandfather (Mom's father) had apparently had a heart attack and that he wasn't doing well. Then, about an hour later, the news came that Gramp had passed. He was 86 and has had a history of heart disease, but he was in pretty good shape over all and this was totally unexpected. So tomorrow morning, Nicol. Summer and I will be traveling to Maine. The funeral will be Thursday afternoon. It will be good to finally get up there and be with everyone. I feel so bad for Gram... they would have celebrated their 66th anniversary in December. Amazing.

With all the craziness, I haven't been able to get any Haiti updates posted. What I can say is this: it was an amazing trip and I want to go back... with Nicol next time! More on Haiti when things calm down.

For now, I'm going to bed... have to be up at 5.

Peace.    

Haiti--Day 4

Tuesday--

Up at 5:50AM. Had b'fast at 6:30. Devos with the Global Outreach guys at 7. Beautiful morning here. Hot, but this compound is gorgeous. Right now I am looking out over a bay with mountains behind. The ocean water is blue/green and spectacular. Samaritan's Purse operation is in full work mode, building temporary shelter structures for those who have been and are being displaced out of PaP into Titanyen. There are lots and lots of people in that situation and based on having seen a tent city with 12,000 and another with 16,000 yesterday I have to think that many, many more could end up here. BTW, the 12,000 person tent city that we saw is located directly across from The Palace in what used to be a "beautiful" park, according to Nazer. It's not necessarily a safe place, and terribly sad to see. Who's going to help there?

Today Brian are going to help Chris and his crew unload a container. Chris just showed us around a bit. A primary part of their operation here is drilling wells, which he said is a 24/7 deal. Once you start drilling you can't stop to do something else and go back to it a couple of days later b/c the ground will collapse. Depending on what they are drilling thru, they may get 2-3 feet in a day or up to 50, but that about maxes his drills out. They spend 2 days a week just doing repairs, and every 3 months they do a complete maintenance overhaul of every well. And they've drilled 253 in the past 6 years.

Avg cost per well is $5000-$5500. Some a little less, some significantly more. Chris says you can't drill enough holes in this country. Clean water is that scarce.

Time to go unload a container...

Haiti--Day 3

Hello from Haiti! A few folks at the guest house got really sick last night. I asked one person what she thought it was and she said "it's the Haiti hello." My hello from Haiti is just a greeting. I'm not sick. Praise the Lord.

Below are some notes from my iPhone, but first here's a quick summary of what's been happening. First, Brian, Caryn and I traveled here with Brent Gambrell Ministries of Nashville. They brought a team of about 45 people from all over the States to do orphan care and work projects. Trip leaders were Mike and Missy Wilson. Great folks. By the way, their son Dillon is a pretty amazing singer/actor/entertainer... don't be surprised if you see his name all over the place one day. GREAT kid too. We all stayed with BGM's primary Haitian ministry partner, Dr. Jacob Bernard and his wife, at their home, the Bethel Guest House in Thomassin. Really nice place. Very kind hosts. The Bernards are the kind of people who have done SO incredibly much with their lives for the kingdom that you kind of feel like a schmuck, if you know what I mean. He has 3 masters degrees from a seminary in TX and 2 PhDs. They run 2 orphanages and have adopted 17 children. Pastors a church. Teaches at a seminary. Blah, blah, blah. Now do you know what I mean about feeling like a schmuck? :)

Had a great time with BGM and the Bernards...

This morning we left the guest house and drove to Titanyen, about 30 miles from Thomassin. Drove straight thru Port au Prince. Can't begin to describe the scene there... devastation... and we're 5 months out from the quake. We will be here until Wed. Our hosts are Chris and Cheryl Brumley, who are with Global Outreach Int'l. Wonderful people. Fed us lunch. Talked about potential partnerships for Fellowship. Toured the church they attend with Cheryl and Pastor Kelley, their pastor.

That's about it for now. I'll post as I'm able and as we have WiFi...

Pray for us. God has definitely gone before us and shaped the trip by guiding conversations and setting the schedule. Really cool to see that happen. Very thankful.

FYI, I would post pics but I can't transfer them to Brian's laptop and I can't pick up the WiFi signal on my iPhone... :(  

=====

Monday--

8:17AM
Left Bethel Guest House about 30 min ago. Our driver is Nazer Olivier. Gets $100 a day. Has 3 sisters and 2 brothers in West Palm. He went to H.S. in Miami. Moved back home to work for his father, Nadier, also a driver. Mother died when he was 6.

8:38AM
Nazer's house was leveled in the quake. All 7 people inside got out safely. Lost "a lot" of friends and had many who lost arms and legs. Said he spent the 3 days after the quake helping people. No sleep. No food. Said wks following the quake we awful, very bad... especially the smell of dead bodies.

8:45AM
Driving into downtown PaP on our way to Titanyen. People everywhere. Quite a seen. Totally calm (except for the traffic) but bustling with activity. LONG lines at banks and Western Unions... 100+ people waiting? Lots and lots of debris and rubble remains. Much of it has been moved to the sides of streets so traffic can get thru. Some of it has been moved into "fields" that have been leveled off for future building projects. Majority of rubble has been broken up and moved by hand. Just drove by The Palace, where Pres. Prevail was when the quake hit. Nazer said no one knew if Prevail was alive b/c as they found out later he got out of the city to safety. Didn't even hold a press conference to let the people know what was going on.

9:16AM
Just switched vehicles. Went from a Toyota Tercel to a Nissan Pathfinder. The Tercel just wasn't working for the 3 of us and all our luggage. Did I mention that the traffic is nuts here? Just drove by a tent city with upwards of 16,000 people according to Nazer.

9:45AM
One sign of malnutrition is a reddish/yellowish hue in the hair. Seeing LOTS of reddish/yellowish hair and it's not dye.

12:24PM
Eating lunch with the Chris and Cheryl Brumley (of Global Outreach Int'l) and Pastor Kelley Balde (of Titanyen Baptist Church). Pastor Kelley oversees 18 churches and pastors 2 of them full time. Sunday service times: 4:30-6AM and 7-9AM; Sunday School is 6-7AM. Why so early? B/c of the heat. Said that for 2 months after the quake the Haitians would not go inside a building with a concrete roof b/c they were afraid of another quake hitting.

2:46PM
Touring Titanyen Baptist Church with Pastor Kelley and Cheryl. The church suffered some damage but not much. Outside of a $1000 gift from a US church, they have done all the repairs by themselves. Amazing considering the poverty here.

4:50PM
Waiting for dinner. In honor of Memorial Day, Chris and Cheryl got American beef and we're having burgers on the grill tonight. Very nice people.

Haiti--Day 1

[ From my iPhone notepad. ]


Saturday--

12:00PM
Landed at 10:45AM, got thru immigration, then on to baggage, which was absolute chaos. Somewhere between the plane and baggage claim someone swiped an Aquafina water bottle off my backpack. Oh well. Exited the "terminal" (the old AA hangar; main airport is closed b/c of earthquake) only to enter more chaos. Lots of guys wanting to "help" us with our bags and carts. Let me just say that what pavement is there is riddled with potholes the size of TX and that's the good parts of the street, so pushing a 3 wheeled luggage cart with 6 bags was... challenging. We are now waiting in a gravel/mud lot waiting for our ride. Sweating like mad. Good times.

1:06PM
Still waiting for our ride. If the environmentalists are concerned about carbon footprints in the US, they ought to come here. I've breathed in more diesel fumes in the past hour than I do in a month in Franklin. :) Good times.

1:27PM
My first ride in a "tap tap". And what is a "tap tap"? I guess you could say it's Haiti's version of a cab, except it's a truck, you sit in the back on benches, and when you want to get out, you "tap tap" on the roof. If you thought a taxi ride in New York, Boston, or Chicago was interesting, you ought to see try these things. Good times.

1:55PM
We landed at 10:45AM. Now leaving airport. 3 hours and 15 minutes to get off airport grounds. No big deal... I've waited for a couple hours at O'Hare.

2:58PM
The tap tap driver behind us shuts his truck off while sitting in traffic... I'm assuming to save fuel... I assumed wrong... it's overheating. We are driving thru "market". All kinds of produce, merchandise, and chickens. I like to call them "stickens" b/c they are skinny as a stick.

3:49PM
Just arrived at Bethel Guest House... Missy says it's the worst traffic they've ever seen. 25 miles. 2 hours. This place is NICE. Beautiful. Not at all what I was expecting.

7:28PM
Dinner was great. Rice and beans. Shepherds pie. Bread. A Coke... and a smile. Team meeting at 7:30.

Saturday, May 29--12:00PM
Just landed, got thru immigration, then on to baggage, which was absolute chaos, but we made it. Somewhere between the plane and baggage claim someone swiped an Aquafina water bottle off my backpack. Oh well. Exited the "terminal" (the old AA hangar; main airport is closed b/c of earthquake) only to enter more chaos. Lots of guys wanting to "help" (for a fee, of course) with our bags and carts. Let me just say that what pavement there is is riddled with potholes the size of TX and that's the good parts of the street, so pushing a 3 wheeled luggage cart with 6 bags was... challenging. We are currently waiting in a gravel/mud lot waiting for our ride (estimated wait time: 1 hour, but why do I get the feeling it will be longer; be flexible, right? :)) Sweating like mad. And someone is cooking something somewhere and it smells amazing. Good times.

Heading to Haiti

It all started on Wednesday with a v-mail from a friend and it went like this...


"Gregory, hey it's Petak. Let me float this idea by you. It's wild and it's crazy. I know that a lot of things would have to fall into place for this to happen, but here it is. The first contingency is this. Are you free May 29th to June 5th? If you are, do you have any interest in going to Haiti with me on a reconnaissance mission to land the plane with what Fellowship is doing by way of a partnership with Haiti? I know the 27th is the anniversary of Luke's death. I know that's going to be very, very hard, so I'm mindful of that, and maybe a May 29th departure is too close to that. Totally understand, but wanted to see if this is a possibility. Call me. See ya. Bye."


A little history...


Who's Petak? -- Brian Petak is the Global Outreach and Equipping Pastor at Fellowship Bible Church (FBC) in Brentwood, the church we've been attending since moving to Nashville. He's also our community group leader, a really good guy and a valued friend. 


What's the reconnaissance mission? -- In the two months following the massive earthquake that struck Haiti last January, FBC received more than $100,000 in funds designated for relief efforts. Brian and the leadership team have been actively pursuing strategic partnerships in Haiti to determine the best use of those funds. This trip, in part, will be focused on solidifying those partnerships. We will also be joining a Fellowship Student Ministries (FSM) team, which will be serving in orphanages, helping with various construction projects, and ministering in local schools, churches and villages.   


What things would have to fall into place? -- Two immediate things: (1) I had to find my passport, which was somewhere in our storage unit (emphasis on the 'somewhere' part). No passport, no travel. Here's the cool thing: Brian had a hold on an airline ticket for me, but it was set to expire at around 3pm on Thursday. I literally pulled my passport out of a file cabinet at about 2:57 and immediately texted Brian with the news (I think I typed 'Score!!!'). He called me a couple minutes later to confirm. Total answer to prayer. (2) I had to get my immunizations and malaria meds and was able to get both on Friday. A big thanks to Nicol for making some phone calls and to Jenny (???) at Passport Health in Brentwood who stayed at the office 2 hours late to help me out. Another answer to prayer. 


May 27th -- If not for the awful reality, it would be impossible to believe that this Thursday will be the second anniversary of Luke's passing. As I type, I'm looking up at his photo... the one where he's sticking his tongue out. It's still just so hard to believe he's not with us. Those eyes. That hair. His sweet spirit. What a beautiful boy. Thursday will be hard, this whole week is going to be hard. My first thoughts about going to Haiti were that the timing is bad and that it wouldn't be a good idea to leave Nicol right now. But she is ALL for it and I'm so thankful for that... but it is going to be hard to be away from her and Summer.


So there you go. Lord willing, I'll be in Port-au-Prince one week from today. I'll get details out as I have them (as quickly as this has come together, I've yet to look at all the info regarding itinerary, packing, what to take, what not to take, etc.) and as I have time (there's a lot to get done!). In the meantime, maybe you could be praying... I'll give specific requests in the next several days, but for now just pray in whatever way you may think of. 

Reflect:ions

This past Wednesday, March 17, would have been Luke's second birthday. Tomorrow, we will celebrate his life with family and friends. Lots running through my mind. In no particular order, here are some thoughts. Feel free to comment with thoughts, quotes, Scriptures, stories, etc. from your own experiences... and go LIGHT YOUR WORLD. :) 

1. We are all part of a much greater story than our own.
2. Every life is a gift, every child a miracle. In Divine terms, there is nothing cliché or run-of-the-mill about those words, but it is so easy to forget that. 
3. Life is vapor. (James 4:14)
4. This life withers and fades; God's Word never will. "The grass withers and the flower fades, but the Word of the Lord remains forever." (1 Peter 1:24)      
5. We will see our Little Man again. "I will go to him, but he will not return to me." (2 Samuel 12:23) "It is not the will of My Father who is in heaven that one of these little ones should perish." (Matthew 18:14)
6. Today, 25,000 parents around the world will lose a child. Tomorrow, 25,000 more. And the day after that. And the day after that. That doesn't make losing Luke any easier, but it does offer some perspective. 
7. Years ago, I remember praying, "Whatever it takes, Lord." I had no idea.
8. "Life is hard; God is good." (Alistair Begg)
9. Grief and brokenness, hope and joy can occupy the same heart. We do "not grieve as others do who have no hope." (1 Thessalonians 4:13)
10. Hope is not crossing your fingers or a wringing your hands. It's not sweating things out or waiting to see if everything is going to turn out alright. It's not a 50/50 proposition. It's definitely not a wish. Hope is future, but it's certain. It's "waiting and aching" (Al Andrews).
11. Assurance. "We rejoice in hope of the glory of God." (Romans 5:2) 
12. Transformation. "More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope." (Romans 5:3-4) 
13. Comfort. "And hope does not disappoint us, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." (Romans 5:5) 
14. The harsh reality is that God does allow things in our lives that are far, far beyond our ability to handle... but His "grace is sufficient" and His "power is made perfect in weakness." (2 Corinthians 12:9) 
15. Death is horrible. God agrees. "The last enemy to be destroyed is death." (1 Corinthians 15:26)
16. Jesus said, "It is finished." Victory, then, is certain but it's not yet complete. For now, death stings. ""When the perishable puts on the imperishable, and the mortal puts on immortality, then shall come to pass the saying that is written: Death is swallowed up in victory. O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?" (1 Corinthians 15:54-55) Our hearts hope while our hearts hurt.     
17. Suffering is not anomalous to the Christian life. "Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you." (1 Peter 4:12) "For it has been granted to you that for the sake of Christ you should not only believe in Him but also suffer for His sake." (Philippians 1:29) 
18. World=tribulation and fear. Christ=Conqueror and peace-giver. "I have said these things to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world." (John 16:33) 
19. On May 28, 2008 Nicol and I didn't care one iota about a dream house, dream cars, dream jobs, or anything else this world has to offer... just didn't matter. 
20. Some of the best counsel we've received: "Sink into the pit. It's okay." (Jan Silvius) Speaking not of giving in to despair, but rather of feeling the sorrow. And why not? Jesus was "a man of sorrows, acquainted with grief." (Isaiah 53:3) 
21. I have discovered the fine line between pouring my heart out to God (venting, if you will) and honoring Him while expressing my sadness and anger. Yes, my Father can handle it. And though it can be hurtful to this Daddy's heart, I too can handle it if Summer is disrespectful to me. But it is disrespectful nonetheless.   
22. ................

Finally...

Ok, so now that I have consistently broken the #1 rule in blogging--CONSISTENT UPDATES--I am finally going to bring you up to date after about 6 weeks of near silence (I say near silence because Tweets do count for something, right? And since I've mentioned Twitter, if you have an account, you can now follow both Nicol and I... she signed up a few weeks ago!).


Here's what I want to share for now:


--The big news, of course, is that we FINALLY closed on the house... as of Feb 19 we are no longer home owners!! What a relief and a what kind answer to prayer. I am still amazed that, after 16 months on the market, we got our first and only formal offer... in DECEMBER of all times. Homes don't usually sell in December, let alone in the current market!! But we are so grateful that ours did!!


--We would appreciate prayer as we consider our next steps. At this point it appears that there are 2 scenarios on the table: one, begin looking seriously for a house and to sort of hunker down here in the Nashville area; two, accept a proposal from my long-time friend and mentor to go to Maine and serve with him (for the summer months or perhaps a bit longer) at the church he has pastored for the past 15 years or so.


I am reminded that a third scenario is also on the table: that being anything that God may unexpectedly drop into our laps.


In any case, we are praying and processing and waiting and would be grateful for your prayers should God put us on your hearts in this way.


Peace.


Light Your World TODAY


   

Why Not Us?

Something very... odd is happening deep within. I've been wrestling with it for the better part of the last 4 or 5 weeks. For a variety of reasons, I've hesitated to tell anyone. I don't want to be misunderstood. I don't want to come across as cold-hearted or insensitive. I especially haven't wanted to hurt Nicol. 

It's one of those things that, try though I have, can't be ignored. Mustn't be ignored. I've attempted on many occasions to sweep it away. Brush it aside. But I just can't shake it.

Here it is: Why not us? As in, what makes me think that we wouldn't or shouldn't or couldn't experience the hardship of the past 19 months? Why not us?

The question didn't just pop into my mind one day. I was actually sort of confronted with it. It convicted. It stuck. And I think that it's changing me.

The question was dumped on me in a video message by Matt Chandler, who himself is walking (very well) through a difficult valley... cancer. But he said it to his church, in so many words: "Don't feel sorry for me and don't ask 'why me?' Why not me!?"

I was pierced. I was angry. And yet, I was certain as to the truth of which he spoke.

How on earth had I arrived at the place where I actually believed "that" would never happen to me? Others? Sure. But me? No way. Us? Not a chance.

Silly. Foolish. Shallow. Unaware of this reality: Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. (1 Peter 4:12)

Don't be surprised ... as though something strange were happening.

Perhaps the only real surprise is when the unthinkable doesn't happen. 

Don't get me wrong. I hate what happened. With feelings of being let down, I continue to struggle at times with mistrust and indifference toward God. I can't imagine anything more painful. We will never be the same. I would never have chosen this as our story. If I could, I would "undo" it right now. But I can't.

So rather than railing at God, becoming embittered toward Him, or walking away, I'm embracing -- crazy as it may sound -- a Why not me? view of our devastation.

Don't be surprised when your world is rocked, when you are crushed. 

Given the broken world that we live in, it's really not to be seen as unusual. Really.

The redemptive part? ...rejoice insofar as you share Christ's sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed.

A final word... the last thing I want anyone to feel is pressure to feel the way I do. To anyone who finds themselves in the middle of a trial right now, please don't allow that to happen. One year ago, 6 months ago, even 3 months ago, I didn't have these thoughts. Quite honestly, I could not have understood anyone who did. At the very least I would have thought it very strange. In all likelihood I would have been angry. So please feel no pressure. It's just where I'm at.

= = = = = = =

A complete 180... we FINALLY have a contract on our house and are due to close on Feb 15!! Would appreciate your prayers on that (packing, moving, actually closing the deal!). AND, after the miscarriage in December, we decided to have genetic testing done on the baby. The results came back as abnormal. The baby had trisomy 8 & 14 and the doctor told us that those babies generally don't survive past the 1st trimester. That news didn't make the loss easier or any less disappointing, but it did help to know that there was an answer. 

Thanks for praying... light your world.