Why Not Us?

Something very... odd is happening deep within. I've been wrestling with it for the better part of the last 4 or 5 weeks. For a variety of reasons, I've hesitated to tell anyone. I don't want to be misunderstood. I don't want to come across as cold-hearted or insensitive. I especially haven't wanted to hurt Nicol. 

It's one of those things that, try though I have, can't be ignored. Mustn't be ignored. I've attempted on many occasions to sweep it away. Brush it aside. But I just can't shake it.

Here it is: Why not us? As in, what makes me think that we wouldn't or shouldn't or couldn't experience the hardship of the past 19 months? Why not us?

The question didn't just pop into my mind one day. I was actually sort of confronted with it. It convicted. It stuck. And I think that it's changing me.

The question was dumped on me in a video message by Matt Chandler, who himself is walking (very well) through a difficult valley... cancer. But he said it to his church, in so many words: "Don't feel sorry for me and don't ask 'why me?' Why not me!?"

I was pierced. I was angry. And yet, I was certain as to the truth of which he spoke.

How on earth had I arrived at the place where I actually believed "that" would never happen to me? Others? Sure. But me? No way. Us? Not a chance.

Silly. Foolish. Shallow. Unaware of this reality: Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. (1 Peter 4:12)

Don't be surprised ... as though something strange were happening.

Perhaps the only real surprise is when the unthinkable doesn't happen. 

Don't get me wrong. I hate what happened. With feelings of being let down, I continue to struggle at times with mistrust and indifference toward God. I can't imagine anything more painful. We will never be the same. I would never have chosen this as our story. If I could, I would "undo" it right now. But I can't.

So rather than railing at God, becoming embittered toward Him, or walking away, I'm embracing -- crazy as it may sound -- a Why not me? view of our devastation.

Don't be surprised when your world is rocked, when you are crushed. 

Given the broken world that we live in, it's really not to be seen as unusual. Really.

The redemptive part? ...rejoice insofar as you share Christ's sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed.

A final word... the last thing I want anyone to feel is pressure to feel the way I do. To anyone who finds themselves in the middle of a trial right now, please don't allow that to happen. One year ago, 6 months ago, even 3 months ago, I didn't have these thoughts. Quite honestly, I could not have understood anyone who did. At the very least I would have thought it very strange. In all likelihood I would have been angry. So please feel no pressure. It's just where I'm at.

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A complete 180... we FINALLY have a contract on our house and are due to close on Feb 15!! Would appreciate your prayers on that (packing, moving, actually closing the deal!). AND, after the miscarriage in December, we decided to have genetic testing done on the baby. The results came back as abnormal. The baby had trisomy 8 & 14 and the doctor told us that those babies generally don't survive past the 1st trimester. That news didn't make the loss easier or any less disappointing, but it did help to know that there was an answer. 

Thanks for praying... light your world.

Hard to Believe

One of the things we have been so grateful for during the past 19 months are the kind words and prayers of family, friends and a whole lot of folks we don't even know. These blessings are touching, strength-giving and much appreciated. Thank you so much...


Sadly, I have yet more disappointing news. Nicol miscarried on Thursday. Physically, aside from the normal affects of miscarriage, she's doing fine. Emotionally, both of us are pretty sad. 


It's just really hard to believe.

The Latest

I know it's been forever since I've posted anything by way of an update. The reality is, I just haven't had much to write about... better said, there has been a lot on my mind, but I haven't had the desire to share much of anything. Just shooting straight with you.


That's REALLY bad for maintaining interest in your blog... 


Anyway, there are a couple of things I want to share. First, Nicol miscarried again in October (as you may remember, she miscarried in April as well). You might think of April as a right hook, with October being the left uppercut that buckled our knees and sort of left us in a heap. I say "sort of" because we were rocked, no doubt about it. But God, as He has been over and over again, has been so kind and gracious. Can't deny that it's been pretty rough just the same though.


The second part of this update - and incredible news at that - is that on November 4, following several days of unusually excessive fatigue (for Nicol, not me! :)), we found out that she was expecting AGAIN! We were pretty much dumbfounded... mostly because we didn't know that it was physiologically possible to conceive so soon after a miscarriage... as a matter of fact, Nov 4 was just 25 days after Nicol miscarried... do the math, it doesn't really add up, but like our friend Lindal says, our math obviously isn't God's math... so somewhere in there I like to think a miracle happened.


We are thrilled and so thankful. Nicol's due date is July 15 (she's almost 10 weeks along). She's had minor nausea so far, which is a BIG change from Summer and Luke, when she was sick 24/7 all the way up to 18-19 weeks. Honestly though, we are relieved every time it hits her because it seems to indicate that things are okay. Since her doc says that every pregnancy is different, there's probably not a lot of substance to my theory. Whatever the case, I hate the sickness for her, but oddly enough it's a relief for both of us. AND the other piece of good news is that each of her ultrasounds have shown that the baby has a "happy, healthy, strong" heartbeat (as her doc says). We hadn't seen a heartbeat in April or October, so it was a massive praise when we saw that little heart pulsating on the monitor for the first time just a few weeks ago. 


I am reminded yet again that conception and life are gifts from God. When we got pregnant with Summer, it followed a significant amount of time during which we were "leaving it up to God," if you will. Same with Luke. 


And then, when we found out Nicol was expecting last March, we thought it was a special blessing from God (and every pregnancy is), but still... it was like He hadn't forgotten us, like He was reminding us that He was with us in the devastating pain of Luke's death. And then we miscarried. 


And then, September rolled around and we didn't know what to think or how to feel... we were, honestly, afraid and reluctant to get our hopes up, to engage too deeply with the idea of a new baby because we knew there were no guarantees. But as every parent knows, it's impossible NOT to engage with anticipation the new life being formed within. And then we miscarried.


And then, when the news of another pregnancy came about 8 weeks ago, quite predictably, we were thrilled and we were scared and we were ecstatic and we were hesitant to let our hearts engage the idea of a new addition to our family. And so far, everything is fine.


I remember the afternoon we went to the hospital for Luke's delivery... c-section, actually. The shift nurse, as she checked Nicol in, shared with us that her 5 year old daughter had recently been diagnosed with cancer. "How on earth do you deal with that?" I thought. I realized that all along I had taken for granted the good health of our own daughter. 


I also remember praying just before Nicol went to the OR that day (and this was in light of Todd and Angie and everything they were going thru with Audrey)... I remember praying, "God, we don't take this baby's health for granted." Yes, yes I did. And ten weeks later we lost Luke. Indeed, I did take our son's well-being for granted. Didn't dream his life would be so short. But how could I have? What parent would?


Why all the background information? Because, while I am much more aware today of the fact that there are no guarantees with this baby, I have to admit that there's still a piece of me that takes God's kindness and grace for granted. Perhaps the greatest difference is that, lately, I am far more likely to stop in my tracks and say, "Thank you, Jesus. You are amazing and beautiful." when we receive a good report from the doctor, or when He drops these blessings in our lap, or just because I am reminded how good and faithful He has been and how desperate I am for Him in my life.


So guess what? I'm going to ask you once again for your prayers and I thank you in advance for them! We need them more than you can imagine...


One more thing... here's a recent pic of our little princess. Talk about a blessing. 

Update : Coming SOON!

I promise... :)

ChristmasCare : 2009

Celebrate Christ's birth this year by giving a gift to someone you might not otherwise give to... a co-worker, boss, neighbor, complete stranger, personal physician, bank teller, firefighter, police officer, public official, school teacher or administrator, homeless man or woman, family in need, etc., etc., etc. We did this as a family last year - the first Christmas since losing Luke - and it helped make a very difficult season a little more joyful. Give it a try.

This Can't Be Ignored...

"The Spirit of the Lord is upon me

because He has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to proclaim liberty to the captives
and recovery of sight to the blind,
to set at liberty those who are oppressed,

to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor."

--Jesus, Luke 4:18-19

The Stone at Shechem

(From Joshua 24)

God's faithful kindness...

He kept every promise He made to Abraham.

He delivered His people from slavery in Egypt.

He rescued them.

He destroyed their enemies.

He went out ahead of them.

He gave them victory.

He prepared a land for them.

He gave them that land.

Joshua's charge...

Obey, serve and worship God

Have spiritual integrity

Be loyal to God

Leave the gods that your ancestors worshiped

The peoples' response...

We will not worship those gods!

We will NEVER abandon the LORD!

How could we? Look at everything He's done for us!

Joshua's warning...

You WILL forget and you WILL turn away from the LORD, despite ALL He has done for you.

The peoples' declaration...

No way, we WILL serve and obey God!

The Stone at Shechem...

Is a reminder of Israel's allegiances sworn to God; it is a witness against them if turn from God and serve other gods.

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Some things never change... God is faithful and we struggle.

Great intentions tend to get lost in the shuffle of life... We are committed to God yet we inevitably deny Him in one way or another.

We too need a Stone at Shechem...

O to Grace how great a debtor

Daily I'm constrained to be
Let Thy goodness, like a fetter

Bind my wandering heart to Thee

(Come Thou Fount)