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Something very... odd is happening deep within. I've been wrestling with it for the better part of the last 4 or 5 weeks. For a variety of reasons, I've hesitated to tell anyone. I don't want to be misunderstood. I don't want to come across as cold-hearted or insensitive. I especially haven't wanted to hurt Nicol.
It's one of those things that, try though I have, can't be ignored. Mustn't be ignored. I've attempted on many occasions to sweep it away. Brush it aside. But I just can't shake it.
Here it is: Why not us? As in, what makes me think that we wouldn't or shouldn't or couldn't experience the hardship of the past 19 months? Why not us?
The question didn't just pop into my mind one day. I was actually sort of confronted with it. It convicted. It stuck. And I think that it's changing me.
The question was dumped on me in a video message by Matt Chandler, who himself is walking (very well) through a difficult valley... cancer. But he said it to his church, in so many words: "Don't feel sorry for me and don't ask 'why me?' Why not me!?"
I was pierced. I was angry. And yet, I was certain as to the truth of which he spoke.
How on earth had I arrived at the place where I actually believed "that" would never happen to me? Others? Sure. But me? No way. Us? Not a chance.
Silly. Foolish. Shallow. Unaware of this reality: Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. (1 Peter 4:12)
Don't be surprised ... as though something strange were happening.
Perhaps the only real surprise is when the unthinkable doesn't happen.
Don't get me wrong. I hate what happened. With feelings of being let down, I continue to struggle at times with mistrust and indifference toward God. I can't imagine anything more painful. We will never be the same. I would never have chosen this as our story. If I could, I would "undo" it right now. But I can't.
So rather than railing at God, becoming embittered toward Him, or walking away, I'm embracing -- crazy as it may sound -- a Why not me? view of our devastation.
Don't be surprised when your world is rocked, when you are crushed.
Given the broken world that we live in, it's really not to be seen as unusual. Really.
The redemptive part? ...rejoice insofar as you share Christ's sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed.
A final word... the last thing I want anyone to feel is pressure to feel the way I do. To anyone who finds themselves in the middle of a trial right now, please don't allow that to happen. One year ago, 6 months ago, even 3 months ago, I didn't have these thoughts. Quite honestly, I could not have understood anyone who did. At the very least I would have thought it very strange. In all likelihood I would have been angry. So please feel no pressure. It's just where I'm at.
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A complete 180... we FINALLY have a contract on our house and are due to close on Feb 15!! Would appreciate your prayers on that (packing, moving, actually closing the deal!). AND, after the miscarriage in December, we decided to have genetic testing done on the baby. The results came back as abnormal. The baby had trisomy 8 & 14 and the doctor told us that those babies generally don't survive past the 1st trimester. That news didn't make the loss easier or any less disappointing, but it did help to know that there was an answer.
Thanks for praying... light your world.
