At the risk of sounding like a broken record...
Forgive me. I apologize, but today stinks. Actually, so did yesterday... and the day before that. I would prefer to use stronger language than 'stinks'. Stronger? Nah, just honest... I would prefer to use more honest language, words that would help you understand what is going on inside of me. But I'll spare you that.
I am tired. I am weary. I am heavy laden. I am in need of rest.
I reflect on Jesus' words come to Me. I have done that... over and over. I did it yesterday. I did it this morning. Yes, there's nowhere else to go... and I do mean nowhere, I think I've mentioned that before... so to Him I will continue to run... but this is so dreadfully difficult.
I read the Psalms, sometimes one after the other after the other after the other. Yes, it's food for me, it's a lamp that gives light to this darkness... and yet I sometimes feel like I'm starving and I sometimes want for just a flicker of light. I read of the God who is ever near, ever able to deliver, ever listening... and yet sometimes I don't feel those things or see the results I'm desperate for. I read of the God who is a stronghold, a refuge, a shield... and yet I feel tormented and beat up and cut down by my enemy. I read of a God whose way is perfect... and yet I struggle to understand what feels to me like an imperfect plan. I read of the God who gives wide places on which to walk so that my feet won't slip... and yet I feel like I'm easing my way across a sheet of ice. I read of the God to whom David cried out, why have You forsaken me?... and I ask Him the same question. I read of the God to whom David said, I cry by day, but you do not answer, and by night, but I find no rest. Yet you are holy, enthroned on the praises of Israel... and I have to remind myself that I will never understand why Luke had to die, that I believe and yet I wrestle constantly with my unbelief, that this God is good, and that this life is oh so difficult...
I am grieving because my wife is torn up. She continues to fight back feelings of guilt and remorse. She misses her boy.
I am grieving because Wednesday was National Remembrance Day, or something like that... a special day for parents who have suffered the unthinkable, a day to remember and honor the children they have lost. Nicol wanted to go to a candlelight service, but I just couldn't do it. Maybe next year. Afterall, we're not in that club, are we? Oh yeah, we are. No, no, no, seriously, there's no reason for us to go, right?. That's for other parents, not us. Oh yeah, it is for us. Ok, ok, let's go and maybe we can somehow comfort a family or two. Oh wait, we need to be comforted too. But I just couldn't go.
I am grieving because... the unthinkable has happened... my son has died and I want him back.
I am grieving because this world is broken and its brokenness is constantly displayed on a ginormous HD Jumbotron, complete with a state of the art sound system whose volume is maxed out... dimentia, Alzheimer's, congestive heart failure, breast cancer, infidelity, adultery, selfish husbands, selfish wives, failed marriages, abused women, abused children, thanklessness, drug abuse, alcohol abuse, Amber Alerts, pornography, sexual addictions, lust, corrupt politicians, suicide, murder, power-hungry leaders, hypocrisy, starvation, HIV/AIDS, anger, dissension, contentiousness, bitterness, greed... you name it.
I am grieving. I am broken. God, our redemption draws nigh, please get us thru this. Jesus, please give us rest.