Monday, February 2, 2009

On My Mind : 2209

Super Bowl
Great game... I could leave it at that, but I'm not going to.

How in the WORLD did Arizona NOT catch #92 James Harrison and tackle him before he ran back that interception 99 or 100 yards or whatever it was just before halftime? Seriously. Do anything... trip him, jump on his back and make him carry you down the field... whatever... just don't let him get to into the end zone. Must be easier said than done.

And PLEASE... Curt Warner was passing the football on that last play... it was NOT a fumble... at least not according to these 20/200 eyes (and no, that's not very good vision, but still, even I could see that)... I can't believe they didn't review that play. What an anticlimactic ending... except if you're a Steelers fan.

Oh well... it WAS still a great game to watch.

Physical/Emotional Correlation
Is there a correlation between the physical and the emotional? 

More specifically, in what ways are physical and emotional healing similar? Different? How do we tend to approach these journeys/processes? What are the expectations we place on ourselves and others when it comes to healing? 

Just thinking and wondering... b/c two weeks after we lost Luke I had someone tell me that we "need to move on"... and I have to be honest here, it still makes me furious, and it still really hurts.

Would we ever tell anyone to just move on... who is recovering from surgery, or had just been seriously injured in a car wreck, or was suffering with a chronic illness, or simply had a bad case of the flu... obviously no, we wouldn't and we don't tell people who are suffering physically that they "need to move on"... we tell them to take there time b/c there's no rush... just get better.

So why do some people think it necessary to sweep emotional carnage under the carpet and move on and pretend it's not there? As if we can do that... come on.

Sorry if I sound bitter about this... I guess I am.  

Mid-Life Crisis?
Nicol and I have been looking for a second car lately... and I'm wondering if my inclination to get something fun to drive and sporty and sleek is in any way indicative that I'm peeking thru the door of a mid-life crisis. I'm kidding... kinda... the thought did cross my mind. 

Believe me, I don't know how this stuff works (and please, correct me if I'm wrong) but at least women get hot flashes and stuff (right?)... so they know something is up. Maybe the desire for a cool set of wheels is the male equivalent of the hot flashes women experience? 

Who knows?!

No offense... I'm just thinking here.




Joyce said...

I'm not a man, but I bought a Sebring Convertible when I went through my mid-life crisis. I say "Go for it", we certainly enjoyed mine!

Apparently the person who told you to move on had never lost anyone they were extremely close to. I haven't lost a child but I have lost my dad. It was almost 13 years ago and I still miss him everyday!

The Grown Up Teenager said...

Glad you had a good Superbowl Sunday, even if there is some couch reffing going on. ;)

How dare someone tell you to move on from losing a child, especially two weeks afterward? That's incredibly insensitive and you have every right to be hurt by it. You'll cope to get through the day, minute by minute sometimes and that's okay.

And yes, us womenfolk will be blessed with those hot flashes when we hit menopause but I think a hot car is a male's desire from the moment of puberty. Its just the males at midlife crisis point that are financially stable enough to afford them. My two cents anyway!

Linda Goossen said...

Hey, Greg,
I've been reading your blog for sometime, and I don't think I've ever posted before, but I want you to know, even if it seems impossible to 'move on', the pain does get bearable.

My mom lost her first daughter to diptheria in 1942. She was 16 months. My twin sister and I were born 10 months later, and I think we helped her, but she told me many years later, that losing her daughter, my older sister, was the hardest thing she'd ever gone through.

Please be patient with boors who don't understand. Hopefully, they will never have to go through anything like that.

Our prayers go with you.

Jennifer said...

Greg & Nicol~

My husband and I can relate when it comes to the most ignorant and inconsiderate comments people say. It's been almost 5 years since our son went to heaven. We're "moving on" but life is never the same. It would be nice to write a book on the "do's and don'ts" of what to say when tragedy strikes. Try to focus on what God says in His Word and the comfort He brings. I'm praying for you all.

In Christ,

Anonymous said...

Greg, I don't think it has anything to do with mid-life. Most guys just want a cool car. It just takes a while to be able to get one. Think back to high school. Out of all the guys there was only one or two that had THE car. College, kids, house, job, etc. gets in the way leaving you without your dream car. I say, if you are able, go for it. We recently got a scooter over here. That is enough satisfaction for me at the moment! :^)

Anonymous said...

It would seem that "moving on," while going through the grieving process, healing process(physically or emotionally) is simply a part of living--not to be taken as a wrong determination by another individual, but as a loving admonition of taking Christ at His Word-"Nothing is Impossible When we Put our Trust in Him."

sheila said...

Your post are always very good for thought. Now, onto the football game (coming from a Steeler Fan(actic) home) Yeah, his arm was in no way in 'forward motion'; so could not of been considered a fumble. But, it was a good game. On a sidenote, my 8 yr stayed up to watch it and was extremely tired by the end and as she was going to bed, my husband said 'thanks for watching the game with me, honey.' Just thought that was real sweet. I didn't hear any interview with Curt Warner yet, but I am sure he will continue to give God the glory.

Onto pain: UGH....we celebrated my nephew's 7 bday last wk. UGH... enough said....
In Sunday School class (Beth Moore study) we were talking about the process of growing and God healing us. (Psalms 147:3 - He heals the broken-hearted and bandages their wounds.) The word HEAL is the Hebrew word rapha which means 'to heal, to sew together or mend.' And there was some reference to Isaiah, anyway, we were talking about healing in relation to sewing (stitching). Sounds painful. Yeah, it is painful, very painful. Then, as ladies do, we got onto the subject of cocoons and butterfly's and how God is working in the life of the caterpiller. Does the process hurt? Are there some that don't make it through this stage? But the end result: AWESOME.
So Lord my prayer is that you help the Sponberg family through this pain and we may all see the butterfly emerge (in whatever way God sees fit).
Is that too much sybolizism? Have a great day, In God's Love, sheila

Julie Doody :-) said...

I am SOOOO with you on the SuperBowl thing......and I'll leave it at that!

And to respond to your thought of a male mid-life crisis....that's probably what is happening. If that's what you want to call it! Makes sense right? women get hot flashes and cranky and men want a new sports car. How fitting?!?!? BUT did you ever think that maybe that's what your beautiful wife needs? A nice sleek, shiny sports car, perferably a convertible so that when she drives it, and wears a nice long scarf, her hair and scarf will fly in the wind.... There's nothing like riding with the top down (assuming you are NOT in Northern Maine in the middle of January!) the music blaring and the feeling of the air blowing around you. What FREEDOM from all the cares and worries of this world!

I think after all this talk, I've decided that I need a cute little sports car. :-D

Take care!
Love in Christ, Julie Doody

Happy Mama said...

First, I know, the fact that that Pittsburgh Steeler ran nearly the entire length of the field without being caught was totally insane! But it made my in-laws happy because they are from Pittsburgh, so whatever!

Second, you completely justified in feeling bitter at such an insensitive comment as you "need to move on." Not an option when you are so incredibly changed for life by your loss. I'll continue to pray for healing for you all and for peace from the One who can provide it in moments when no one else can.
Blessings to you all today...

Paige said...

OK-Super Bowl...big let down for me. I am not heartbroken or anything because college basketball is my love, but I was still bummed!

Whoever that was who said to you that you just needed to move on two weeks after losing Luke was just plain ignorant. I would like to think that they thought it was a helpful statement, but I do not believe you could say that, while conscious, to someone who had just lost a baby, and think that it would help. I have not walked in your shoes but I have had four people very close to me have to say good-bye to their babies for unexplained reasons and I do know that people say stupid things. No one wants to hear the cliches and yet some people think they need to say SOMETHING, so they say something stupid! I am sorry that they hurt you so deeply.

I don't know about mid-life crisis and cars...isn't that just a guy thing? Cool, fast car = cool awesome dude? I don't know...the hot flashes I think don't always coincide with mid-life crisis...sometimes they come way later than the mid-life crisis. I don't know what we buy/do to symbolize MLC, but I could be wrong too...since I am still so young (I wish)! LOL

Praying for you guys...thanks for the update!

Georgia Tarheel

txmomx6 said...

Yes, indeed, the physical and emotional are intertwined. I am now an expert on that.
And grief is a very, very physical thing.
And it has its own timing for every single person.
And .... someone who has never experienced it can NEVER understand.

Laura said...

I think it is disgusting that someone would tell a parent who has lost a child (much less only two weeks prior) that they need to move on! Absolutely disgusting!

Blameless said...

It was an exciting game, and because I hadn't chosen a favorite, I just enjoyed the great plays on both teams!

I remember hearing similar comments when I went through my losses...and I remember God laying it on my heart to be thankful that not everyone had to experience the pain I was going through. At the same time, I was jealous of their innocence/ignorance to infant and pregnancy loss. I wanted to be oblivious to the pain, too.

Hugs to you and Nicol.

Anonymous said...

Just think of Job, he had great friends also! Lean on, cling to those who uphold you. This thursday is the 28th BD of our son that died and we still miss him, sometimes more then when he left us. There is no timeline on grief, only daily doses of love from friends that hold you along the way to His throne! God Bless Shi~

Tricia Moran said...

I can't blame you for feeling angry and hurt that someone could be so insensitive. People can say the most hurtful things sometimes and really not even realise it. I was told this same thing by someone that I love very much recently after suffering a huge loss in my life. This was a person close to me too - so I know that pain of hearing that. But, you and your beautiful wife and beautiful daughter deserve much more support and compassion than that - no-one can ever move on or get over something like the death of a child. The grieving is an ongoing process and will be forever. I am sad for you that you had to feel the sting of those words. Know that you have many people out here praying for your family and your honesty is amazing.
OK, I've gone on just a tad too much. Keep on going on. You are incredibly inspiring and have helped me grow in my faith this year.

Tricia and Family :)

Susie (So Blessed) said...

It's very hard when people don't seem to be sensitive to other people's pain. But, like others have said here, they simply don't understand....or think...I'm not sure which. I've come to realize that not every one has empathy. There are no feelings that you need to apologize for as you travel this grief journey...and there certainly is no time frame for healing. I believe that, until we reach our heavenly home, none of us is completely healed or whole. I read earlier on the blog of a grieving mom "this world is not our home and we cannot be fulfilled fully here." I totally agree with her. So, be gentle with yourself and know that you are lifted in prayer to the One who gives you strength.

KM said...

My husband and I suffered through a very, very painful failed adoption. I literally had to hole myself up in my room and not answer the phone for several just flat get away from all the "helpful" advice that was coming our way about "the right baby", "move on", "in His time", etc. One of my best friends in the world, God bless her soul, was the absolute worst culprit of spewing such hurtful her attempt to make us feel better. It really brought me to my knees that sometimes...just a hug, someone crying with you, or a simple I'm praying...I have no adequate words to offfer...are much better than trying to come up with something that will "help" someone in their time of greatest crisis. I am praying for your family. I am so very sorry for your loss.

Kristi in Texas

vicki said...

People mean to help, but they say stupid, hurtful things. My daughter was raped three years ago, and not many people knew. A couple of the ones who did told her she should feel lucky she wasn't hurt. What?! Trust me, she was hurt, and so were her parents. Four months later, her fiance died. Everyone knew about that loss, but seemed to think it didn't hurt as deeply to her because "it's not like you were married already". She lost the man she loved. She lost the future she dreamed of. It was compounded by the trauma she had been through recently. Then her boss told her she needed to "Just get over it already."

People say stupid and hurtful things. My daughter is doing well and is in love with a wonderful man now, but she still grieves for her first love.

Karen said...

One of the best books for those who are grieving is "letters to a grieving heart" by Billy Sprague. One of the things that I love most about it is that he says that there's no set "time" to move on. People grieve. They grieve in different ways. And mostly, they grieve different ways. He's very honest about life dealing with loss. No "fancy" counselor talk. Just the honest heart of a man who's life was completely changed by death.

Praying this day will be blessed!

Anonymous said...

I'm one who has been a silent lurker on your site. So many things you write have been an inspiration. I visit it almost every day, many times just to listen to the music. I'm so sorry about the hurtful remark you received that you need to move on. I want to pass on what someone said to me recently when I shared I was facing something difficult. "For this you have Jesus." Because of Him, you don't need to stay bitter and angry.

Kristy said...

My husband turned 40 this past year, and got something he has always wanted - a motorcycle! And yes, he even admitted it may be some sort of mid-life crisis.

On a different note, I am so sorry that someone told you to "move on" - that is horrible. When I was 15 yrs. old, I found out that the father I always thought was my father - was not. That evening, I told my mother and she was very upset - that a relative had told me. I went to take a bath, and cried the whole time, and when I stepped out of the bathroom, she looked at my face and said, "Are you STILL crying about this?" I NEVER said one word about the "situation" SHE created, until I was 18 yrs. old and had found my real dad on my own. I still feel the pain of that when I think about it. I could no more "move on" at 15 - than you can. Pain is pain, and grieving takes so long.

StephanieU74 said...

I'm soooo late getting to the blog, again. This Super Bowl put the "super" back in the game! Yes, I must agree with you on each of your comments.... the Cardinals missed some key plays; I so wanted them to win their first trophy!

I was a nurses' aide fresh out of high school, and one of the patients I cared for, who still stays with me even today, is the gentleman who was frustrated that his cancer was taking so long to kill him. He was in his 80's; yet I found him with tears streaming down his face one day. I asked him if he was in pain; he said it wasn't the kind of pain I could give him medication for. He then told me about his Eleanor, his only daughter, who was run over by a car at age 2... 60 years before our conversation. He told me that her loss still haunted him. He told me that he was told he'd "get over it", but that he never would because she was his daughter and he'd love her until the day he died. His brain tumor wasn't killing him fast enough, he said, because he wanted to go home to be with her, to hold her one more time. He remarked that the comment to "get over it" hurt more than the pain from loosing his little girl. He told me that he felt it was his responsibility to keep her memory alive, since no one else was alive to remember her, and that by telling me her story, I would remember her, too.

You won't forget Luke. There is no definition on "getting over" the loss b/c each of us process loss differently. You handle it the best way you know how, and you have the best tool in your hands: the ability to lean on your Heavenly Father. I am most certain that if it weren't for Him, loss would be impossible to survive.

Hugs from Southern Maine...

PS: cute Summer photos!

Bonnie said...

I know - it's 2 weeks since you wrote the post but I'm catching up on my reading and I'm not sure which comment rankles me more these days - "move on" or its twin "get on with your life" OR "God wont' give you more than you can handle." The only way I've managed to not tackle and pound on someone who uses them is to remind myself that has to be purely out of ignorance someone says something like that. Either they have not been faced with deep, intimate loss or they have and choose not to deal with it. I am so sorry that someone would be so callous - especially only 2 weeks after your loss of Luke. If you were lying in bed and not living 3 years after the loss? You might need some help but 2 weeks? I'd be seething, too. Only God could forgive that person and because I couldn't (ok - more like probably wouldn't). There is someone in my life I don't speak to because of the same type of callousness (which is an issue God has seriously convicted me about but we're not talking about me :)). Oh... grrrr! Just.. grrrr.... I wonder - honestly - would Jesus remain silent in the face of such cruelty or would he have spoken of whitewashed tombs? Now I'm rambling and I apologize for that. I hope you are able to forgive the heart of the person who said that, someday. Perhaps reach the point where you can feel pity for them only because their insensitivity is something they have to live inside of every day. How I pray God does work in them and they realize the hurt they caused and even if they never apologize, they remember and never hurt like that again. And I pray God offers you healing and peace for their comment. What you have done to honor the memory of your son is so much more than the insensitive comments human beings are bound to stumble into. Death isn't meant to be natural. Perhaps that's why it brings out the "worse" in some of us.

Miriam said...

I say, "Move remembering your precious son each and every day that you are on this earth! Praise God for the opportunity you had to know Luke...and I am so sorry it was only for a short time."

Does that couch it as a more palatable phrase? I hope so because I do not wish to offend. I agree that 2 weeks (or ever!) is too soon to tell anyone to move on when someone has passed on from this life.

We lost a child at mid-pregnancy and I have grieved for the last 19 years for that child. The grief will abate and then sneak up on me with no warning.

As to the new sports car...will a Hot Wheels or Matchbox do!?! That way you can buy all the cars and trucks you want! Sorry, I couldn't resist because that's what we've told all 3 of our children as they've become old enough to think we are going to buy them a new car as soon as they have a license in hand! It's so much fun to tease them with that question! Granted, they don't think it's funny, especially since they have been about 14 or 15 years old when I start spouting that phrase. However, other folks have snickered when we make the offer.

Rose said...

I haven't commented before, but I've read your blog for a while. I am so sorry that someone was so insensitive with their remarks towards your loss. I'm sure they didn't realize or mean to be insensitive, but people do say stupid things when they don't know what to say. What Karen said about grieving is so true. It does change but it is always there. I have experienced grief from a different perspective (losing my mother when I was 5), and I have experienced that changing/evolving grief that has been with me all my life. There isn't a day I don't miss her or think of her. I get flashes of memories of her when I least expect it. I dream of her. For me, this has been the way I have been able to cope. But it also keeps me focused on the goal of Heaven, since I know she's there and I will see her again! My prayers are with you and your family.