Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Untitled

Yesterday was a heavy. I felt out of synch. I felt out of touch. I wanted to accomplish something but I honestly don't think I did... except maybe for getting thru the day. I got up early and read and had a good time with God. I had a brief conversation with my mentor. I went to lunch with Nicol and Summer and Tyson. I came to the house, thinking I would do some packing, but that didn't happen. I tried to write, but nothing made sense... even though I knew what I wanted to say. We had dinner with Tyson and Renee and Ty and Jim and June and Griffin and Lawson and it was great to be with all of them. We stopped at Tyson and Renee's and had coffee and talked and watched Larry King interview Ahma-whatever his name is from Iran. We left their place and settled in for the night. I listened to a very encouraging sermon by one of my favorite preachers. The events of the day really were good. Still though, my heart was heavy. I laid my head on the pillow and my tears flowed like they hadn't in a while. Those tears were good. They were cleansing. They seemed to carry away some of the heaviness even as they streamed down my face. But I fell asleep with a heavy heart.

I miss my Luke. I cannot believe he is no longer with us and I don't want to think about a future that does not include him.

I see him every day. He is everywhere we go.

I see him in Summer's delightful smile and I remember his. I hear him in her innocent, pure, silly, joyful laughter and I want to hear his. I marvel at her remarkable ability to communicate and wonder about the things he would say. I see him in her precious blue eyes and long to see his. I see him in her development... her expanding vocabulary, her physical growth, her understanding of things, her care and concern when our pain is obvious, her interaction with others... and I'm reminded of all we are missing out on. I see him in her sweet personality and I wonder how he would be similar and how he would be different.

I see him at Walmart and the Chop House and Chick-fil-a, in the Odyssey that passes by and in the church nursery and in the mall's play area, on television and on my desktop's monitor and on the ball field.

I see him every day. He is everywhere we go.

I miss him so much.

And sometimes I feel guilty... that I don't miss him enough, or that I don't think of him every single minute, or that I can and do laugh and have good days, or that I don't cry every day. Maybe that's all silly and unnecessary. But it's real.

I miss him so much.

Every morning I place two things in my pocket that remind me of Luke. Every night I remove them from my pocket and place them on the counter. One is his ID bracelet from the emergency room from the night he died. The other is a piece of white linen with a scarlet ribbon tied around it. One reminds me of his heaven date. The other reminds me of the day we will see him again. One reminds me of the saints who rushed to the hospital that night. The other reminds of the saints who will return with him and Jesus in the clouds. One reminds me of the brevity of life. The other reminds me of Jesus and his sacrifice. One reminds me of his way-too-short 10 weeks with us. The other reminds me of eternity together. One reminds me of the mortality of his body. The other reminds me of the garments he will wear when he rides as a warrior in heaven's army. Both are becoming tattered and show the signs of wear and tear from being in my pocket. Both are precious to me. Neither should not be part of my daily routine.

These two things are in my pocket every day. They are not enough. My heart and mind are filled with the joy and memories of our 10 short weeks together as a family. Those 10 weeks were not enough. We have pictures that we look at every day. They are not enough. But these things are all we have... except of course for the expectation and hope that we will one day see him again. And, though it's not my plan, it is enough.

46 comments:

lots_of_love_four_kids said...

Praying for you.

JRJ said...

Your family is STILL in our prayers.

georgia tarheel said...

My heart aches for you and the pain that you are going through. I can't understand the depth of it as I have never walked this road. I know no words to say that would bring you comfort. I will be praying, though.

Jen said...

Sending love and prayers for comfort that only God can bring. We are walking down the parth of learning to live without a son as well. May God bless you and restore your strength, hope and joy.

Alisha said...

My heart is literally breaking for you and your family. Tonight I will pray, Come quickly Lord Jesus, Come!

Bless you and your family.

Tricia Moran said...

We are praying for your beautiful family that God will lift you up through these really painful days. I cannot imagine, which makes it hard to say anything that might help, but I know that prayers count and especially the prayers of my two children, whose faith is so admirable. I know God hears those prayers, just as he hears ours. We will keep you in our hearts while you walk this difficult journey.
With love and prayer,
Tricia and Family (N. Virginia)

Monica said...

Tears are streaming down my face right now and I can't pretend to even imagine how you and Nicol are feeling. Just know that I pray for you often...my hope is that you will feel us walking alongside of you both. Thank you for sharing the story of Luke with all of us. Thank you for allowing God to use him to touch so many people.

Laura Ann said...

There are no words I can say to take away your hurt or pain you feel. I am sorry and I continue to pray for you and your sweet family daily.

Devon Rene said...

Just getting through the day is "enough" right now. Six months later and sometimes that's all I can do. And I have come to realize, it's okay.

My husband wears a band everyday that has our boys names on it. I have several necklaces. It's our own way to hold on, I guess.

I think of you and your family often. I am so sorry about your sweet Luke. So, so sorry...

Lori Jacobsen said...

I'm so sorry! I pray for you and Nicol and my heart aches with you for so great a loss.

The Krooswyks said...

Praying for you and your family

Melissa said...

As of mother myself, my heart truly aches for you and your family, please know we are all sharing your tears..... I cannot say at this point I have walked these shoes, but one can put themselves in this dark place and know for a moment what this must feel like. I think its God's grace that gets you through as I can't think of any other way it'd be possible. This is such a painful thing and your grief will always be there, you will be changed. You have your beautiful daughter to look forward to the future with and Luke will be there too. Although little Luke is no longer here, he will always be part of you, never forgetton, and truly impacted more lives than you will ever see. I hope your can find a time when the pain isn't so unbearable and you can truly smile again and be okay with it. I can tell you I have witnessed loss with babies and my young cousin at the age of 2. They both have shared that the pain is always there but through time it really does get easier. I hope you find your strength. God bless you all. Melissa

Kaye said...

Thanks for sharing your heart with us once again. Praying for continued healing, restoration and peace of mind for each of you.
Listened to Nicol's 2 new songs today and they are absolutely incredible.
Praying without ceasing,
Kaye
Psalm 46:10

Anonymous said...

Oh my God I don't want him to be gone. Oh my God I want the birth ID bracelete in your pocket with him, Luke, Gregory Luke in your arms, in Nicol's arms and Summer swipping his pacie. His absense has left such a deep hole. Those of us on the outside looking on, as you can tolerate it, are sooo small and set apart, helpless as we struggle to try to help ease your pain. Keep wrestling, until God Blesses you all with whatever you need. I am sooo sorry and sooo sad right now for each of you. You are precious people.

The Gradys said...

My heart is heavy for your family!!
Yes, Luke is in a place more beautiful than we can ever imagine but that doesn't take away the hurt!!

Heather said...

Thank you for helping me grieve our baby daughter that we lost in February. Your words always bring out what is in my heart and daily help me to understand that my groans and tears are very normal -- and that I am not alone in my own grief.

Your baby son has become very precious to me as I read your entries -- and I also grieve with you.

May God continually carry you OVER and THROUGH in his grace and mercy -- mostly OVER!! It is the "through" that hurts the most.

Heather

Sarah Shalley said...

As a cousin, I know the exactness of the pain and the harshness of facing life without someone you love. DON'T feel guilty for living your life. Remember your son. Honor him as you honor HIM. Check out www.reminderbands.com...my family has LOVED wearing these rubber wristbands as a reminder of our sweet Emily. We also got tattoos, which I realize aren't for everyone, but they're PERMANENT instead of a bracelet we may someday forget to put on and we want to remember her daily.

Much Love and PEACE for your sweet hearts, Sarah

Beth said...

Very well said! I, too, have recently struggled with these emotions. Thanks for putting them to words. You're right, it is not enough, but we must trust our God that this is the short side of eternity. Prayers to you and Nicol.
Beth, mom to Angel Wyatt
http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/wyattadkins

marie said...

I'm praying for your family ~ I lost my son to SIDS thirty-three years ago. In fact I blogged about it on Sept 15th. Time makes the memories gentler.
I was so touched as I read about your pocket memories & your pictures ~ and you're right, they're not enough.
Thank you for the reminder of the expectation and hope that we have ~ and you're right, that is enough.

Julie Doody said...

Greg & Nicol,
My heart aches as I read this. I just don't know what to say. Your words are so beautiful, but yet so painful. I pray for peace for both of you! You are thought of many, many times throughout the day and will continue to be in my prayers.

Love in Christ, Julie Doody

Shelly said...

As I read your post I couldn't help but remember memories of my neice, Amber, who passed away when she was 4 weeks old of crib death in 1987. The night we came home without her, I went to her bassinet and took out the crib sheet and I smelled her. I could still smell her scent on that sheet. I was 17 yrs. old and I slept with that sheet for years! I still have it today, 21 yrs later, although I don't sleep with it anymore, but I do take it out of my hope chest and hold it and remember that awful night. 4 weeks was not long enough to know her, but I know I will see her again. Keep the faith and stay strong.

Stacy said...

I found your blog through another's, and so I hope you don't mind me commenting.

I read (Angie's blog), and wept, and prayed along with countless others when your little boy passed away. I'm glad I have the opportunity now to tell you how sorry I am for your loss.

This was such a touching entry, and I just want you to know I will continue to keep you and your family in my prayers.
God bless you,
Stacy in Ohio

Tasha said...

Actuallly seeing his bracelet was so moving.It makes it so real.Thank you for letting us into these private areas of your heart.There are so many people that love you.I hope you can feel that.I will never ever forget Luke.He left this world on the very same day my little girl Avery came into it.Someday I will tell her about your story.I love your family in a way that I can't explain.After all we have never met.I hope to meet one day though.Oh and we also have eternity.I can't wait for Jesus to come!It can't happen soon enough!Holding your family in my heart today and always.

Skerry said...

I don't understand why and I wish it were not so, but most of all I pray for peace to fill your hearts as your family takes each day...one at a time.

Angie said...

Please know that you are in our daily thoughts and prayers as well as little Luke.
Ang

lynette said...

Holding you and your family in my thoughts and prayers today.

Anonymous said...

As I was reading I couldn't help but to think of the heartache and pain of loosing my sweet nephew this past March. The pain seems sooo unbearable at times. KNOWING that I will see him again one day is the ONLY thing that carries me through. My heart breaks for my Sister and aches even more. I come to your Blog evey morning whether you have written or not and Pray for you and your family each and everyday, that God will give you the peace and strength you need to get you through. Thank you for sharing Luke's story, your thoughts and even more for sharing your faith through such a difficult time in your life. Luke's life has touched many and will always be remembered.
Love in Christ,
Kathy (Georgia)

Anonymous said...

I understand your grief. Some people don't know how to talk to someone who has went thru this terrible ordeal. We had this happen in our family too. I can say this much, you will find life worth living again. It is hard--I know first hand. You will be a totally changed person forever. I know it's tough. I am praying for you and your entire family.

Cast your cares upon the Lord & He will sustain you;... Psalm 55:22

glw0605 said...

I don't want to begin to imagine what you are going through. I have two kids of my own and the thought of losing one of them...My heart aches for you guys.
You and your family are in my prayers.

Hannah said...

Thank you for sharing your heart with us! I am praying for you guys!

The Wade's said...

Praying for you...

Darlee said...

I just can't imagine your pain. There are no words...I'm praying.

Darlee

THAT GIRL said...

Praying for you as you press forward, fighting the good fight... when the footsteps feel like quicksand. Hold fast to Him... He is carrying you.

takingheart.blogspot.com

Tabatha said...

I pray for your peace.

Hope Wilson said...

Lifting up prayers from Georgia...

su said...

Oh Greg, I'm so sorry.

Kristen said...

Thank you for your honesty and for your love for your children. I am sad and have tears for you and nicol.. may You feel Him near today.

sheila said...

Because the Lord is my Shepherd, I have everything I need. He lets me rest in the meadow grass and leads me beside the quiet streams. He gives me new strength. He helps me do what honors him most. Even when walking through the dark valley of death I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me, guarding, guiding all the way. You provide delicious food for me in the presence of my enemies. You have welcomed me as your guest; blessings overflow. Your goodness and unfailing kindness shall be with me all of my life, and afterwards I will live with you forever in your home. Pslams 23. I prayed this over and over again last night as I tried to sleep. Much prayers for you and Nicol and Summer. God come, come soon. In God's Unfailing Love, sheila

Baseballs and Tutu's said...

My heart just breaks for you!

I am praying for you and that you may somehow find peace. I have no idea how you are getting through this but you must be an incredibly strong person. I just can't imagine what you are going through!

May you find peace!

joykids.blogspot.com said...

I am praying for you and your family. There is not a day that goes by that I don't pray for you and the agony you must be going through.

Virginia

momof4kr said...

You are such a PRECIOUS MAN OF GOD. Nicol and Summer are so blessed to have you.
I love reading your honest words.
Thank you for opening your heart to others.
May God continue to heal your hearts.
~Katie

noahandlylasmommi said...

cyring can be so healing. sometimes that is exactly what we need. I pray for you and Nicol every night. I hope you have felt your pain lessen a little knowing so many people are lifting you up to the Lord. Big hugs to you tonight!

Wendy said...

Hey Greg,

I'm so sorry that you had such a hard day. It's hard to hear when I can't be there. I am there in spirit and with my prayers. The remembering too little or remembering too much I do understand. I am praying that God will help ease your burden and to help you in the valley with the lessons you learned a top the mountain with Christ.
Love,
wendy

Kristy said...

Oh just reading this post is so heartbreaking. Saying that I am so sorry for this grief you are carrying is not enough. But of course, sadly, there is nothing I can say - except that I am really praying for your family. My heart aches for you all so much. This life is but a breath, then you will be with him. That is the most exciting hope we have - you will see him!

Ashley Beth said...

My heart has been breaking for you and yours since I first heard your story. Tonight as I read this post, the tears are flowing, but I am so certain in our God who is holding your sweet boy right now. How precious the day when you hold him again in Christ's presence! I am praying for you all daily and think that you will probably be one of those families that remains in my prayers for a very long time to come... In Christ's love

Laura said...

My heart aches and my tears fall for your loss - a family that I know only through your writings and those of your SIL Angie. To have such tragedy befall both of your families just is unfathomable. I sense peace but longing in your writings. The immense grief is immeasurable. I ask why? too. Why? Too precious for this earth.....

My deepest condolences to you and Nicol.

The last time I was touched my the loss of a child in this manner, I helped the family begin a foundation in his honor. Almost two years later and we are spreading the word of that child globally, and helping families nationally.

My love to you, to Luke and to Audrey.